Saturday, October 1, 2011


 "Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky dome," as if. I doubt even the DPP could have shielded me much. The narrow doorways, impossible desks, and unflattering yearbook photos aside, high school was harsh. I wore glasses, I never dressed out (I don't jump and I only shower at home). Add to that I was taller than all the girls in my class, and my complexion was (is) almost perfectly clear.

 Fake ID and a plausible back-story won't fix that. I think my mom just phoned it in, like my elementary school transcript. Hey I was glad when she Photo Shopped me a shot-card, and my birth-certificate should be hanging in a museum, but I've got roots like an aeroponic-endive. They're neat and clean and just hanging out there, but they don't even hint at where I acquired my distinctive flavor. And yet, here I am. 

   I'm really glad to be back in Flatware County, but my doctor tells me I'm not quite as tall as I was in high school. I'm not surprised. I'd heard before that "Some settling may occur during shipping," but I always assumed that was like the people that ended up in Kansas, or Idaho, or Oklahoma, because of dead horses or broken down Conestoga wagons.

 After my unexpected lay-over at the Birmingham airport, I was released into the wild, but I was encouraged to make alternative arrangements for my return to Flatware County. As carrier of last resort, it was Cousin OD who finally got me home.

 The last of the stickers are long since removed, and as you may have noticed, scratches don't last long in gel. The costs of traveling down "The Rabbit Hole" weren't all demanded up-front. OD warned me about the hazards of bi-location experiments including, deletion, diversion, serial dislocation, and the possible generation of one or more doppelgangers. Great I can just picture my Samsonite raining down on the Nimnatons. Oh well there's a number on the tags, maybe they'll call.

    Standing at the double line squinting into the sunshine of Flatware County I wasn't thinking, maybe I'll die, is that really where I'll land?, or "Think of the children." All I could think was, "Click your heels, click your heels, there's no place like home." Well I made it. The scratches are healed, and like Sidual said, "You can always get new luggage." Chilling here at the Ice House, dozing "Under The White Wind," my contentment is still in flux. I feel a ripple in the force. Have I spawned a whole tribe of pale green Frankies, or maybe just one new me lost and alone, watching for a way home in the broken sky.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


 Oh wait, that's me. Uh-huh, and my new cup. Someone reminded them who's been breakin the trail while Chatty rediscovers himself. But hey, The Flatware County General Store is just what my fans needed. Of course I'm glad I have my own section to promote my line of designer, uh, cups. It beats the heck out of having Sidual sign autographs for me. He hasn't been comfortable signing my name for some time now.

"The No Fly Cup," just didn't have the right ring to it. Besides it sounds a little obscene. While "A Gel Of Unknown Origin," has that hint of mystery that makes me want to start my autobiography.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Well, maybe blue green, after all the world isn`t just black and white. To be truthful, when I watched Ethel Waters singing Am I Blue in a clip from the 1929 motion picture "On With The Show," the hints I got from the film didn`t reveal whether Miz Waters was blue or not. This film was the first sound movie filmed in color-unfortunately, only black and white copies survive.

After watching the clip from "On With the Show" for the third or forth time I couldn`t help but wonder how she would look blue. Blue huh, but then who is more blue than Papa Smurf? I wondered, "How would he treat this song?" After watching the interview below it was obvious the Cat-men knew how Papa Smurf would render this classic.

Hey you almost had to feel sorry for the poor Cat-men. They tried and tried, but no! After a while instead of becoming a threatening wave looming up, suddenly they seemed to be everywhere we looked, as numerous and about threatening as the blades of grass. Tugging wearily at the skirt of the world, Mom Mom Mom Mom, Mommy's on the phone Honey.

Hey scary stuff, but what tha heck, "If you`re gonna sell, you`ve gotta make the calls." I think I can guess what Ethel Waters would`ve said.

I believe Roberto Benigni totally got it right, "I am having many love for blue man."


Sunday, August 22, 2010


Yes, I have spun off again, like the Moon King`s head. Don`t look so surprised. It was due. My explorations of the obscure films from the Netflix collection (mostly watch any time) had become an obsesion hard to contain, and impossible to hide.

The gushy send-ups I started cranking out were skewing the tone of Aquavelveta, and by the way were crowding out the overflow from The Flatware County Gazette it was suppose to be accommodating. Well now there`s Obtuse Cinema, and my new "Weeks Best Flix Picks" column will link direct to the articles, clips, and pics, that there instrument wasa made fur. For the clip, my thanks to Baron M√ľnchhausen, a gentleman famous for telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, uh-hem. Oh dear, I fear the drink has turned her head. Well, as The King Of The Moon said in one of his more buoyant moods, "Is there a doctor in the fish?"


Friday, July 16, 2010


And not a moment too soon. We made it back to Lake house. Instead of taking Chatty home, we just dropped OD at the Gazette and went on to my house. I needed to chill, and Sidual was still pretty wound up. We didn`t have a kiddie car-seat so we put some towels in the wash-tub. Chatty was asleep almost before we got the car started, and still was when we got home. Since his mom wasn`t home yet, Sidual stayed at my place to help watch Chatty. At last, I left Sidual watching Chatty and went to freshen up. I hate having leaves and sand stuck to me. The soothing music found me before I made it back to the living room. Sidual was laying on the floor with my Droid Incredible sitting on his chest, leaned against his chin. He`d found the harp video on YouTube. As we both kicked back, I had to keep my eyes open. It was the only thing keeping me from drifting off into a dream compleatly.

I hope you enjoy it as much as we did. It was a long day, but if I close my eyes, I can still hear the music.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


It was no surprise Chatty went home early on Friday to start a long weekend. So no one was curious Monday when he didn`t show up. When quitting time came Tuesday without any sign of his return, it still didn`t raise a ripple. Wednesday morning`s first coffee was starting to get burnt about the time we got the first reports about a hairy naked geek standing in the middle of a sheep herd babbling about giant crickets.

He looked a lot like Chatty Silvers, maybe his father, possibly his grand or even great grand father. Naked, very hairy, and standing with a lot-o sheep, he claimed to be dancing with the creator at the center of the universe. We couldn`t dispute this, and the sheep did seem to like him. However frail, wobbly, and foul as he was, we still needed to wash his feet before we got him in the car. He turned out to be quite ticklish.

We took him to Chatty`s house and ran him a bath. While he soaked we clipped his knee length beard and tangled white hair. He really did look like an antique Chatty. Subdued at first and a bit hoarse, his eyes brightened as he began to recount the tale of his long weekend.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Blocklogic Reopening Arithmetic Crystal Mines

Bring it on home Chatty Silvers. It`s about time. Not since the days of the 49er`s have we seen such fine arithmetic crystals.
Old-timers here tell us the streams were once full of the small but very detailed crystals.
Deep in the Flatware County Arithmetic Crystal Mines the determined miners often dug by candle light. For years the mines yeilded a steady stream of high quality hand dug crystals.

For the most part, modern day
arithmetic block harvesting has been
limited to carefull culling of the
old growth stands.

Not since the days of Buffalo Mao have we
seen the now legendary octagonal forms
sometimes traded by the Yurok indians to lucky settlers.

Prized as they were we have found surprisingly few photos, and only one truly pristine specimen.

Aquavelveta, scoopedge, uh huh!